intentional.

I guess what I really wanted was a new start. Tabula rasa. I told CChou yesterday that I’ve begun to see myself as a sort of blank slate upon which I can craft my own story.  When I graduated, CHo told me, “you think college is about discovering yourself, but once you graduate, you get to decide who you want to be.” She probably doesn’t realize, but those words have really shaped my mentality this past year and a half since I finished school.

Intentional. I wanted to be intentional about my character, my career, my time, my money, my relationships, my spiritual life, my writing … Especially my writing.

But for the last 18 months, this blog has been a place for me to indulge in all my random interests and vague thoughts. It has been as dissatisfying as it has been fun.  Perhaps it’s in my nature — my English major nature — to want to discover unifying themes and draw out profound conclusions from the messiness of life.  To fight entropy, in a way, by bringing order to the chaos that exists in my own mind and heart.

This transition into the working world, into adulthood, has been a difficult one filled with change, uncertainty, discontentment and frustration. But as they say:

“Change is inevitable, growth is intentional.”

I want to be intentional about growing — as a Believer, as writer, as a servant, as a human being. That means trying new things. That means opting for discomfort.  That means challenging myself and pushing myself and forcing myself to be disciplined.

Lately I’ve been discouraged, because there are so many things about my current self that I dislike. Because I don’t know if I’ll ever become that person — the person I so desperately want to be.  Right now, I’m clinging to the promise that He who started a good work in me will complete it to the end.

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